there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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