It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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