My room smells like vodka and shame
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
