she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
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