Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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