I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
