sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
