I need help removing her.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
