The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
