I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
