after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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