the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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