Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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