Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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