I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
so let's talk penis.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
