you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
