I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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