omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
