I think I died a long time ago.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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