I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
