matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
