Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
