Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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