he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
