it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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