4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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