They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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