his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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