I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
