mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
