it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
