Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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