im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
