You're my little dorito
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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