First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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