just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
