My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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