Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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