he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
