It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
