I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
