I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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