It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Randomize
