Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
