I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
