omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Randomize
