If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
