you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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