so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
