Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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